Discombobulated just like me

(Touring the Channel 7 Studio wondering what I should do with my life at a career seminar)

Lately I have been feeling so........discombobulated.
Everything on the surface seems on track: my graduation and my trip to Kenya.  (Aside from a couple of things I need to do!)  And yet I feel unsettled.  I do confess that I have had a bad string of males in my life lately.  That can definitely have an effect on my feelings.  But I will not be defined by this.  The problem seems more complex than that.  A future in journalism seems so competitive and I am not the cut throat type.
God has been at the forefront of my thoughts as of late.  I am genuinely joyful that He has ransomed my soul.  I just feel like I can't give him anything back in return.  And I definitely can't.  Being stuck in this thought brings me down.  Maybe I'm too proud to realize that I having nothing to offer Jesus but my will.  That is how it is supposed to be.  If I have learned anything from my church-going as of late, I have learned that God knows sorrow and He is holding my yoke up with me.  He is such a sweetheart.
I think what really gets me is lately I have been surrounded by the best of friends and circumstances.  Chris brought us together tonight for an Angel's game where we got SNUGGIES.  Will is back from the navy.  Sarah got a massage with me.  I caught up with Tarrell on facebook.  Nicole and I have been making time for each other.
I think I just need a breather.  To stop worrying about my future at every turn of the road.  The pressure is building and I need a hole for air.  Kind of like the bell jar, but less crazy.

Technology

I forgot my cell phone today.  I couldn't check my facebook in class or call anyone while I was walking around campus.  I had to be where I was at.  It made me think about how much I look at a screen all day instead of living in the real world.  I pondered how I crave something to do all of the time.  Finding moments in which I can reflect is so hard when I am constantly saturated with something to do.

I think I should forget my cell phone more often.  I had time to breathe as I walked the sidewalk and stared up at the cool blue sky lined with clouds.  I wondered why technology is so addicting.  Why does owning something like the internet on my phone make the real world seem too ordinary (when it is actually much more gratifying than my bookmarked pages).

Maybe working "no technology" days into my schedule would be useful.  I am only blogging today because as I was walking without the means to text I thought about this blog and how I hadn't updated in a long time.  I can't remember the last time I had a real thought process in my brain going that wasn't interrupted by some technological advancement.

I'm not saying technology is bad.  I am saying I think my life would be more pleasant if I used it less often.

New Apartment and Semester

The basics:  I just moved into a new apartment with my friend (aka brother I never had) Chris and I started school this week.

Living with Chris so far has been FUN.  We have most of the same friends and having people over is a treat.  He even planned a dinner with the female "D's" to thank them for letting him stay at their humble abode while he was for lack of a better term homeless.  Teaching Dannica how to play "Guess Who?" with  Debbie and Dalynn was so much fun.  Chris and I are respectful of each other's wishes for the most part.  It's a good thing we got going, so I guess I'm just saying I am very happy with my current living situation.

My feature writing class started on Tuesday, but I really wished it started the week before so my story for the University Art Museum exhibit wouldn't have been completely trashed.  It is no one's fault but my own, the diversions editor tried so hard to get me to write something printable.  I completely forgot all the rules of journalism and simply wrote something from the press release.  I forgot to get any quotes from any sources that may be interesting.  Anyway, sometimes it takes failure to remember how to succeed and my next feature pieces I hope will be better crafted.

Anyways, I will leave you with "the shower cap incident" which is basically what happens when Dalynn sleeps over at our apartment and we all feel a little silly.  : )

Comfort vs. Adventure

If you stick with what is comfortable your whole life, then you will have comfort but not much of a life. - Kelly Stringham original

I just found out today that I am going to Africa for a month this summer as an internship.  More specifically Kenya to help at an organization called Empowering Lives International in an orphanage.  This group has grown and been blessing lives in East Africa for years now.  I am blessed just to help out.  When I heard the voicemail in which the internship coordinator, Katie, told me I was going to be working with them this summer I danced around my apartment and then I told everyone in my status on facebook, and then I danced some more.  I am really excited for this.  I think it is going to be life changing.  I want to cry I am already looking forward to being a servant of Christ to the orphans.  The best part is that I know the people at ELI want my journey there to be God-centered and will do everything in their power to keep me focused.

I am so thankful for this opportunity.  I think I just might dance some more! :)

Arrowhead Getaway

A weekend in the mountains in the fresh air sounds so wonderful.  And so far it has been.  Being with these great people who encourage following God and loving people is definitely great.  I am surrounded by music.  We worship and players are collaborating right in front of me.  Walking through the natural beauty of these roads with women who are so exciting and lovely.  This new year makes me feel so rejuvenated.  I haven't been caught up in the wasteful things I sometimes spend too much energy on.

I feel as if this is going nowhere so I am going to end this.  I shall leave you with a quote from Emerson:  "All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen."

reflection

I was reflecting back on my year and so much has happened. I thought the time had gone too quickly but it seems that a lot of things were accomplished.


This year I...
started it with Super Mario
attended the taping of The Price is Right
went wine tasting in San Luis Obispo
danced at Lavo in Las Vegas
visited friends (like family) in Oregon
ran out of a haunted maze in LA
lost my faith in men
dated someone who plays guitar (and almost wrote a song about me)
spent Thanksgiving in Utah with my family and was there for my Grandma's 80th birthday
kissed someone (I didn't think I would)
modeled for a photo shoot twice
got my make-up done by a professional
saw 500 Days of Summer and Sherlock Holmes
moved out of my parent's house into an apartment
drank eggnog with rum (the real kind)
loved someone who wouldn't love me back


Next year I will...
be more honest about my feelings
love in a kinder manner
spend more time with my family
graduate from college
intern in Africa (hopefully)
get a new apartment that isn't infested with ants and has working hot water
take more pictures
tithe regularly
dedicate more time to reflection with God
make more meals at home
write stories more often (and get them published)
find my personal style

Journalism Jobs

I am graduating in May.
After that I am hopefully going to Africa to intern for a month.
After that I have nowhere to go.

Looking for journalism jobs is depressing.
I saw one person on craigslist who was offering 10 dollars per week to blog.
That was all.
How am I going to live on $10 a week for the rest of my life?

I am freaking out a little bit.

God please remind me that you lie me down in green pastures.
That you are my source of comfort.